just ignore me…

I am not at peace with myself. Life is too hellish right now. I am too alone to be able to release it – it is too far away.

Matt wasn’t home again. I told him last night after a nice conversation that I’d call him at 3:00 (no…3:45) and to be there.

I called him at 3:45. I called him at 4:30. He’s not there. So I don’t want him here, here in my life. If I’m to be alone, I don’t want anyone pulling my feelings up and back down again – I really don’t need it. It’s terrible. It’s all terrible, but it’s OK. It’s just life.

I have a cyst behind my ear – it’s probably cancerous. I’ll probably die. I really don’t want to die (I’ve made it this far) so I’m not going to hope for a cancerous item behind my right ear. It’s probably just infectious.

(Later…)

Matt called at 7:30 tonight – he was drunk as hell. I went crazy.